For Larry Wallberg:13 March, 2010
This post is explicitly directed at one Larry Wallberg (all ya’ll can read it, it just really applies to him). He has, with malice a-forethought, surrendered his Yankee heritage and absconded, carpetbaggeresque, to the South. In his honour, here are some rules he will need to live down south:
The North has Bloomingdales, the South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45’s.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races .
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .
Kansas City is not South; find another team*.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH …
In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, ‘Y’all’ is singular, ‘all y’all’ is plural, and ‘all y’all’s’ is plural possessive
Get used to hearing ‘You ain’t from round here, are ya?’
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ’big’ol,’ truck or ‘big’ol’ boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that ‘He needed killin…’ is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, ‘Hey, y’all watch this,’ you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ‘em biscuits.
Sent to me by my best friend (also named Bill).
And before some redneck gets all pissed off and bent out of shape, I have lived in the South, the Southwest, the Mid-Atlantic (which is (in some ways (mostly involving smoked and cured meats)) more Southern than much of the South) as well as the Northeast. These Truths about the South are True. And those that aren’t are funny.
*That one’s aimed at some one else. Guess who?