An Overheard Conversation

24 January, 2010

I both love and hate cell phones.  I hate the damned things because, when I had one, I couldn’t get away from anything.  Boss has a question?  He can call me while shopping.  Or driving.  Or whatever.  I hate the damned things because I find it extremely rude when someone interrupts a conversation with a living, breathing, and present person to talk to someone who isn’t even there.  I love the damned things because some of the conversations (or half-conversations) I overhear are funny as hell.

On Friday, (((Wife))) and I were walking into an overstock store (Marshalls or TJMaxx or some such (don’t laugh — I can get some good spices cheap)) to pick up a disposable pan (all my pots and pans are Calphalon, non with non-stick coating;  I like having one cheap non-stick for certain situations and, when it is no longer non-stick, I just toss it).  As we walked across the parking lot, I overheard one half of a hilarious cell phone conversation:

“I haven’t.  In twenty years.  What would I say?”


“Why the fuck do I have to tell the priest?”


“No.  Seriously.  Why can’t I just apologize to God?  Why do I have to go through the damned priest?  And how’s that gonna sound? ‘Forgive me father, for I have sinned.   It has been twenty-one years since my last confession.  This’ll take a while.  Do you have an hour or two?  Or should I just type it up and slide it under the screen?'”


“I know.  But why can’t I just apologize straight to God?”

I was, literally, biting my knuckle (I don’t want to bite my tongue anymore (I’m surprised any of my tongue is left considering how often I have to bite it)) to keep from either saying something based on my worldview or laughing out loud.  (((Wife))) even grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the store to get me further away from the woman on the cell phone.

What did I really, really, pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top want to say? I wanted so much to turn to the woman and say, “You tell the priest because priests actually exist.  There’s even proof that they exist.  There’s no proof beyond myth and self-delusion that god or gods exist.”

Alas, I held my tongue.  And (((Wife))) held my arm.  And dragged me to the pot and pan section where I picked up an Italian-made non-stick pan manufactured with green technology.  Which I am using tonight to brown carnitas.

(((Wife))) keeps me out of so much trouble.



  1. Well in that case I’d say “Tell a person who actually gives a shit about you and knows you personally because they are actually invested in how your life is going.”

  2. And, you could have added, ‘Besides, Jesus is dead, he’s really dead. Really. He’s not coming back. He hasn’t yet and he won’t in the future. He’s dead, dead as a doornail.’

  3. So was the pan actually made in Italy? I was doing similar shopping this weekend and discovered jsut about everything, including Calphalon, came from China. Finally found a Tivoli saute pan made in Indonesia.

  4. GG: Thanks for stoppoing by.

    To a committed theist, though, telling a caring friend or companion doesn’t get the great all-caring psychopathic sky daddy’s forgiveness.

    The Other Gardener: If Jesus ever lived and is not a combination of multiple rabble rousing messainic rabbis.

    Nan: The pan is made by IPAC with a green non-stick surface (which works (so far) wonderfully). It was, however, made in China. The pan itself has no origin marks, but the cardboard labeling does say China.

    • I always believe in rousing rabble, especially through selves that are really multiplicities—they all are, by the way, including our own.

  5. You keep writing about catholics as though they are Christians. Why? the catholic curch ignores the Bible, God and Jesus Christ to worship may different gods which the catholics invented. She shoudl talk directly to God as a personal rfelationaship with God and Jesus Christ is the only way to aviod eternal damnation.

    • Better yet, if she actually did something that harmed someone she should find that person and confess to them instead.

  6. I’m SO LOL’ing over that story! Thanks for sharing that one! 🙂

  7. Matthew: To the rest of the world, Catholics and Protestants are all Christians. So are Mormons, for that matter.

    MO: But if she confesses to the person she actually hurt, she’ll have to do more than just count beads.

    Dan: No problemo.

  8. I dont usually reply to posts but I will in this case. WoW. haha the one who is posting the comments awesome tremendous awesome.

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