Side Hugs and Gangsta Rap25 November, 2009
The radical Christian right (the folks who assassinate doctors, teach children lies about their bodies, try to force their special version of unreality into American public school classrooms and, basically, are trying to create an American Christian version of Iran) have a thing about sex. Specifically, they are paranoid about sex. They are afraid that somewhere, a woman might be enjoying the act.
Christian children, the children of radical Christians, are taught that sex is bad. Physical contact is bad. Physical pleasure is bad. Being anything other than exactly what your parents say your preacher says the Bible says God says you should be is bad. And touching yourself (or others) is bad. Being human, in other words, is bad.
So what about hugs? Are hugs okay? Well, it depends on two things: first, can you tolerate Christian Gangsta Rap? Second, do you have a sense of humour?
This is making the rounds clogging up the intertube thingies:
Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other. Not only that, but he wants us to love our enemies and serve our neighbors. As long as there is no body on body action. I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them. That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.” In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy. I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms. (from SCL (Stuff Christians Like))
The video is new (found via The Huffington Post), but the humourous idea of the Christian Side Hug appears to be about two years old. I can see this catching on among Christian young’uns. Well, not the young’uns. More likely the narrow-minded authoritarians masquerading as right-wing Christian parents. I guess the kids can do the side hug before or after (not both, that would be too much) some sweaty saddlebacking.
I confess that I find the pseudo-fallacious Christian side hug to be much less offensive than the Christian gangsta rap video. Of course, that’s just me.