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Side Hugs and Gangsta Rap

25 November, 2009

The radical Christian right (the folks who assassinate doctors, teach children lies about their bodies, try to force their special version of unreality into American public school classrooms and, basically, are trying to create an American Christian version of Iran) have a thing about sex.  Specifically, they are paranoid about sex.  They are afraid that somewhere, a woman might be enjoying the act.

Christian children, the children of radical Christians, are taught that sex is bad.  Physical contact is bad.  Physical pleasure is bad.   Being anything other than exactly what your parents say your preacher says the Bible says God says you should be is bad.  And touching yourself (or others) is bad.  Being human, in other words, is bad.

So what about hugs?  Are hugs okay?  Well, it depends on two things:  first, can you tolerate Christian Gangsta Rap?  Second, do you have a sense of humour?

This is making the rounds clogging up the intertube thingies:

Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other. Not only that, but he wants us to love our enemies and serve our neighbors. As long as there is no body on body action. I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them. That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.” In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy. I don’t know the exact scripture reference but try the book of Psalms. (from SCL (Stuff Christians Like))

The video is new (found via The Huffington Post), but the humourous idea of the Christian Side Hug appears to be about two years old.  I can see this catching on among Christian young’uns.  Well, not the young’uns.  More likely the narrow-minded authoritarians masquerading as right-wing Christian parents.  I guess the kids can do the side hug before or after (not both, that would be too much) some sweaty saddlebacking.

I confess that I find the pseudo-fallacious Christian side hug to be much less offensive than the Christian gangsta rap video.  Of course, that’s just me.

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13 comments

  1. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about the more rabid, christian, they feel for you, but take care never to touch you.

    Then again, maybe it’s just they’re scared of our “atheist cooties…? 😉


  2. Christian Side Hug. Absolutely hilarious idea.

    I only made it halfway through the rap. I’m not a rap fan anyway and the inane text rendered the whole thing unbearable.


  3. Sarge: Then again, it would be far worse if the felt you rather than feeling for you.

    Chappie: The CSH has been around for a while as a joke. The (c)rap shit is new. Nauseating, but new. And if it makes you feel better, I haven’t been able to watch it all the way through, either.


    • You people are wimps. I watched the whole thing. In the interest of education, of course.

      That has to be a spoof.


      • I’m not a wimp. I just cannot stomach (c)rap music. As Duke Ellington said, “If it sounds good, it is good.” This doesn’t. As (((Girl))) says, “Music is like candy: as long as you throw away the (w)rappers, it’s great!”

        The CSH has a history going back a couple of years. It may have started as a spoof, but some of the ‘holier-than-thous’ at (((kids))) school have begun side hugging. Which makes me think that the side hug is like bagpipes (or haggis): the English created it as a joke but the Scots thought they were serious.


  4. Here’s an illustrated guide:


  5. Here’s the link that disappeared:


    • Odd that that need instructions for something as simple as a side hug, neh?


      • It’s just another opportunity to proselytize. It’s not the mechanics of the hug that’s important, as most people with brains [insert snarky remark] can figure it out.

        But the fact that there is even a concept of a CSH needs explanation, and that leads to the whys and wherefores behind it.


  6. Most cultures poke fun at themselves, it is a universal phenomenon and I enjoy reading the blog. What is your preferred method of greeting, handshake? I’d shake your hand. As to the side hug, it’s not purely a Christian thing, more a US thing, you can find it in other settings. I choose the side hug method of greeting friends because I’m extremely short and don’t live in Europe. And now the song “short people have no reason” is stuck in my head.


  7. It was a spoof. So was the blog entry you cited from SCL. Get a sense of humor.


  8. Good stuff on here, is there a feed?


  9. I do trust all the ideas you’ve offered to your post. They are really convincing and will certainly work. Nonetheless, the posts are too quick for starters. May you please lengthen them a little from next time? Thanks for the post.



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