This Should Make It Easier to be an Atheist

28 August, 2009

Atheists have been accused, over the years, of many atrocities.  We tend to joke about it, but, lets face it.  Many of the accusations can be rather, well, difficult to fulfill.  Luckily, Sears has come up with a way to help (from FailBlog):


Of course, this won’t help those who prefer the babies deep fried, but it’s a start.



  1. In addition to cooking babies, it burns people’s rears. Looks like loads of fun!

  2. Only if it roasts Tofu-babies.

  3. I was thinking of buying one of those (wife works at Sears, we could get a good deal)but luckily, I didn’t.

    I thought I’d go on an all Vegan diet, but they are very fast and here I am with a crippled leg…plus, they’re kind of stringy, no fat on ’em, so you really couldn’t grill them. Best I could do was soup or stew.

    So, no grill, and try to find a stock pot the right size … well, at a local “frontier” village here I saw a nice caldron, capacity rating looked to be about three starving explorers or two missionaries, so I inquired if I could borrow or purchase it.

    The director said “no”, they’d lent it out an anthropophage once before and when they went to use it for apple butter next fall, it tasted funny.

    So, it was back to pork, beef, and chicken. 😉

  4. Chappie: I thought supervisors burned people’s rears.

    Buffy: (((Daughter))) said the same thing.

    Sarge: You have to be careful using the large pots to stew missionaries — some of them are friars and just don’t taste right stewed.

    You could try an all-Vega diet; Vegas were fast when they ran. Which (remembering a Vega coup (((Sis))) had in high school) wasn’t often.

  5. Those rotisseries are frustrating because you have to skewer the baby exactly in the center or else it won’t rotate and you’ll have one half burnt and the other half raw, which really sucks. The best thing is to just get a cleaver and chop it down the middle and put the two halves flat side down. I prefer a nice rub (the secret is allspice) and let it sit overnight before cooking. Don’t throw away the innards! Save them for a nice stock, a gravy, or skewer them for shish kabobs.

    Of course this grill is sacrilegious. No true atheist would use gas. You need a nice charcoal grill or ideally, a smoker. Personally, I find sweet woods work best for babies (maple, cherry, etc). A nice, smokey, pulled baby sandwich with a good bbq sauce is truly a little taste of heaven. 🙂

    Btw, baby skin makes for great cracklins!

  6. To quote Shel Silverstein:

    “Do I love children?
    “Yes. I do!
    “Boiled, or broiled,
    “Or in a stew”!

  7. Phillie, you’re right about the Fryers.

    Another thing is, I practiced my anthropophagic predilections on a person plying pen to paper, and I got very sick.

    Turned out the guy was an author, and my wife berated me for my foolishness, did’t I know about ‘writer’s cramp’? 😉

  8. For the fryers, you need on of these.

    So if a gas grill is sacriligious, what does that make me? I have an electric grill. And do babies have enough fat to make good cracklins?

    Sarge: Bad pun. No donut.

  9. Since I can’t talk, my puns are building up a pressure which is: Unspeakable!

    I guess in the future I must waylay persons engrossed in literature… everyone knows: writers CRAMP, but READERS DIGEST!

    It’s not original, but hey! it’s a primo groaner…

  10. Sarge, Sarge, Sarge (picture me shaking my head slowly from side to side). Does your wife know you do this? And do you pun-ish her?

  11. Yes, I am known for my punning ways, my wife does know about this, most people, even other atheists are willing to entertain the notion of sainthood, as regards her and my antics. There was the time in the grocery store that I was to get certain items, and she was to get others. She wanted to know where we would get together, and I said, “It is meet that we meet where meetly meat is meted out…” and she just waved me away like a noxious vapor.

    As I told Lorena, she thinks this surgery is a sign of the existence of a deity: my jaws will remain wired shut for six weeks total, she says this is a sign that there IS a god and that it DOES love her.

    A couple of my best ones, recently at a reenactment I was in a sutler’s shop and saw a shirt made of matress cloth. I picked it up, put it to my ear, and made sounds of disaproval, I asked a companion if HE heard anything, and he looked mystified, said he didn’t. I asked the sutler what he was trying to pull, either it was a fake or he just hadn’t wound it.
    He asked what I meant, and I said, “isn’t this supposed to be a ‘TICKING’ shirt”?
    I was admonished not to quit my day job, told the gentleman I didn’t HAVE one I was retired from the army on disability. My companions, my own companions(!) said, “Guess WHICH part’s the most disabled one”? Now, I walk with a cane, my face is quite visibly scarred, but everyone in the tent did the finger swirling about the ear motion, and exchanged knowing looks. They also physically picked me up, carried me to the door of the tent, and deposited me, quite gently, outside.

    Then, before my youngest son and his family went to Sicily, we had a big party. I performed a ceremony, had son, his wife, the grandkids sit down, made a short speech, and handed them a pair of my old dungarees, “making it official”.
    Son shut his eyes and shook his head, daughter-in-law looked confused, so I elaborated, “I’ve just passed on my ‘jeans’ to the generations after me”.
    Her reaction was everything I’d hoped for.

    I told a person who asked about it what I’d been told, that it was actually a sign of deep spirituality, a showing of similarity of dissimilar things…and even I couldn’t keep that going with a straight face.

    There actually may be a physical component to it, my head injury caused damage to the temporal lobe and I may be exhibiting a syndrome called “Witzlsucht”.

  12. Sarge, you might want to warn your wife. After umpti-ump weeks of silence, there is, most likely, a backup of bad jokes just aching to escape into the uninfected minds around you.

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