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I Get Mail. And It Isn’t Nearly As Exciting As It Should Be.

19 August, 2009

Today, I got an email from Tina Jane.  I  did not recognize the address, or the mailer, but, after doing a quick McAfee scan, I clicked.  Then I clicked over to a Google document.  And I realized that I was being witnessed via billytheatheist (at) gmail.com as I read:

Dear in christ, (Does she think that’s my name?)  

I greet you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christour Lord, we have to worship our Lord Jesus christ with all our heart because we have determined to remain under the covering of His anointing, Obedience to His purpose and living a life that honours Him will keep us under His hand of blessing. (Who is this ‘we’ of which you speak (write (whatever))?  What part of me is he annointing?  Is this a reference to saddlebacking?  Shit.  She’s witnessing me by email.  This must be a new low.)

 I am Mrs Tina jane  from Kuwait. I am married to Mr Frank jane who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2006.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.Before his death we were both born again Christian. (Oh.  Shit.  Ivory Coast.  Poor capitalization skills.  It can’t be.  I think it is.  (How painful was it for your mother when you were born again?  Even a small woman is an order of magnitude larger than a baby.  That would hurt like hell.)

 Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$9.5million dollars in a Bank here in Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire.Presently, this money is still in bank.  (It is.  It is.  It’s a Nigerian scam letter.  But from the Ivory Coast (a really clean nation).  And only $9.5 million?  I don’t even send an email for less than ten.)

 Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a charity organization that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein.  (A cancer problem?  That is a strange way of putting it.  As is stroke sickness.  So you want to donate the money to charity.  I can see that.  I’m, um, not a charity, though.) 

 I want an organization that will use this fund for orphanages, school and church ,widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of Godis maintained. The Bible made us to understand that “Blessed is the hand that giveth”.I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers.  (You realize, of course, that to all non-Christians, you are the unbeliever?) 

 I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.Exodus 14 VS 14 says that “the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”.  (Ungodly.  Wow.  You so do not know me.  And if a delusion makes you happy, fine.  Just don’t expect me to read a bowdlerized, mistranslated, edited and committee-ized book of bronze age myths and suddenly join you in your delusion.) 

 I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank here in Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire . (And a telephone call would tell me that I am actually contacting a member of the Russian Mafia.  As you say, all things are possible.  Except you doing this yourself.)

 I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. (If the lord is your shepherd, how would my magic words help?  And if this letter is true, I will lick an incontinent turtle.)

 Please always be prayerful all through your life. (No, I won’t.  I don’t do magic.)

 any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church / Organisation or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply. tina_jane001@yahoo.co.jp (Odd that an Ivory Coastian uses a Japanese email address.  Okay, I was wrong.  It must be the Japanese mob.  Hi, guys.  Konichiwa.)

Remain blessed in the Lord. (Why, did I sneeze?)

  Yours in Christ. (Sorry, I don’t swing that way.  Some of my friends do, but I’m rather hopelessly hetero.)

I almost feel honoured.  I’ve gotten Nigerian Oil Minister letters, both at here and at work.  This is a new one.  Not only is someone trying to scam me out of personal information, but she (or he) is either trying to save me or (and this is far more likely) they are using peoples gullibility regarding Jesus and God(s) and all that horseshit to scam money.  At least televangelists are a little more honest about stealing money from the sheeple.

I wonder how many true believers will actually buy this one?  After all, the Bible teaches that they should be as innocent as children, that they should avoid worldly learning, and eschew material things.  Of course, it may be a televangelist who gets ahold of the money (it could exist, right?  Stranger things have happened, right?) in which case the only widows or orphans it goes to will be the ones who are also hookers.

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26 comments

  1. YOU MEAN THAT WASN’T LEGIT? Oh, shit. I hope the banks are open tomorrow.

    Does anyone know how to cancel a wire?


  2. You got her too? Damned slut.

    And here’s how to cancel a wire: contact the bank.

    And not to worry, The Wire is already cancelled.


  3. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.

    Damn, she must be the unluckiest woman in the world – filthy rich – but unlucky as hell. Her husband dies suddenly, now she’s got cancer and has had a stroke. What else can go wrong for her? Come on, (((Billy))), follow SI’s generous lead and let her give her money to you. 🙂


    • Stroke Sickness is a very unlucky condition, it’s true. In 2008 alone, Stroke Sickness affected 1 in 5 of all religious scam artists on the intertubes. Won’t you please give generously to find a cure for this terribly unlucky disease?


  4. Why are all these faithful servants of The Lord so needy? I thought he always provided.


  5. Back when I worked for NPS, I’d get a lot of these scam letters at work, too. I wonder what makes Park Service employees seem like decent targets for attempted cons? I don’t think I’ve gotten one since doing the lateral to Large Nameless Agency a couple years ago.


  6. Well the spotty capitalizations and awkward grammar are interesting, but the spelling and punctuation were good and at no time were there SENTENCES IN ALL CAPS, especially when citing a specific line from the Christian bible, so this can’t possibly be a Christian email.

    Plus, there’s almost no Christians in Japan (how they managed to resist that one and only one American influence, especially in light of how the Koreans couldn’t, is puzzling).


  7. Obviously if this is a stealing email it must be from a nonChristian. Christians do not lie or steal except by accident and then they are forgiven by the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who died fo rhte sins of all humanity. She also might be telling the truth. I am going to email her. I would give most of the money to the Republican Party so they can continue to help spread God’s massage to the entire world to bring peace and to help widows and child orphans.

    There are Chrisitians in Japan. there aren’t many because Japan tried to do like America is trying to do and outlaw Christians. After Hiroshima was destroyed because Japan outlawed Christians they allowed their people to become Christians which has made Japan peaceful. If America succedes in outlawing Christians which city will be our Hiroshima?

    Go ahead and delete this message Billy. You have already deleted about fifty of my messages so wone more won’t matter right?


    • LOL!


    • Brilliant! Especially the bit about the Republican party spreading “God’s massage”.


    • If America succedes in outlawing Christians which city will be our Hiroshima?

      I’m thinking Birmingham, but maybe Tallahassee. Anyone one to start a pool?


      • As a New Yorker, I have to root for the home team and put my money on Manhattan.

        On the other hand… as a New Yorker, maybe I should be rooting for Los Angeles.


  8. Abe has to be a POE!


  9. I had been running a series of these 419s on Fridays, but got bored with it as all of them started looking the same to me. But I had never see this one before.

    Span, if you are a New Yorker (assuming you are a Yankees fan,) you would need to root, obviously for Boston. Especially after yesterday’s game.


  10. Hateful Coward!


    • Obviously, Abe The Loving Hero has prevailed upon The Lord Almighty to smite (((Billy))), since we haven’t seen him in a while.


  11. Abe,
    “You keep using that word. I don’t think it meands what you think it means.”

    Hate–athiests aren’t about hate. You, however, “prove” your claim by redefining hate as unbelief. Does that mean I hate the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, and Compassionate Conservatives? I’m hoping you’re old enough to know these entities don’t exist, either.

    Your argument is very like the Caterpillar’s in “Alice in Wonderland”. He, too, said that words should mean what he said they meant. You need to eat from the other side of the mushroom.

    As for the multiple paste jobs, you also remind me of Lucy from Peanuts. Her best line was “If you can’t be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.”


    • Well, I’m an atheist, and I do hate the Tooth Fairy. She only gave me a nickle for all those teeth, and they were clearly worth a dollar each.

      Cheap bitch.


      • While we’re getting things off our chests, once the Easter Bunny, (that dirty, fucking socialist), hid raw eggs in Gramma’s yard and I ended up covered in them up to my elbows. I hate him for not hard-boiling his free eggs.


      • I’m pretty cool with Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny. Compassionate Conservatives, however…


  12. Sorry for the typo. “means”, not “meands”.


  13. Well I don’t know about the coward part, but I’ll accept the hateful label. I hate lots of things and lots of people for the things they say and/or do, but I come out and say it.


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  16. Polls are fun, but can be dangerous. I prefered it when Boston Globe predicted 15 points ahead Coakley and Rassmusson 46 Brown 48 Coakley. We would like Coakley voters to relax and stay home, while Brown supports make sure they get to the polls and bring a friend or two to vote. Polls can bread overconfidence. We have 5 days to keep working, phoning, blogging, tweeting, and texting. Lets not crack the champaign yet gents and ladies. Lets Roll and make sure we have enough votes to pass the trunkload of ballots that will likely appear, the busloads of voters that could be brought in, and observers w/cameras at every polling place.


  17. your marathon will feel like nothing compared to this!!



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