You are doing it wrong.

31 July, 2009

I know that I should not laugh at the surfers who visit my blog.  I know I shouldn’t.  But I do.  Case in point:

Someone found my blog using the search term:  “My wife used Abstinence birth control but still got pregnant.”  If she got pregnant, you were not practicing abstinence.    Unless you were engaging in <i>frottage</i> or anal sex and there was leakage, you don’t get pregnant when you do not have sexual intercourse.  Unless you are from the Middle East and your name is Mary.  Short story, if your wife got pregnant while being abstinent, you were doing it wrong.  Either that, or she was abstinent with you, but not with others.

Anyway, good luck.

It is, however, a welcome change from the many people showing up here looking for either “Jesus Gun” or “Jesus With A Gun”.  Some other recent popular ones have been, “Purity Ball,”  “Why is Glenn Beck an idiot?”, “Preteens” and “sex”.



  1. Perhaps his wife was only using the abstinence for him. No abstinence for the mailman, plumber, landscaping crew, the mechanic, the doctor, etc.

  2. I’m wondering if he even knows what the word “abstinence” even means.

  3. When I was a kid being raised as a Catholic, there were days of “fasting and abstinence” which meant only 3 light meals with no “rich” foods(that was the church’s version of “fasting”) and no eating meat (that was the “abstinence” part).

    SO maybe she was avoiding prime rib but not the trouser weenie! (Sorry, I reverted to 4th grade there for a moment…..)

  4. Oh, great. Now I’m worried about getting all those women I’m not having sex with pregnant.
    The Stork is a Gawd-damned, sneaky SOB!

  5. Heck, I laugh at search requests that lead to my blog all the time–that is when I’m not shaking my head in dismay. Find amusement where you can.

  6. Philly: So she was being abstinent in three languages (menage a trois)?

    Craig: Maybe they were using absinthe?

    Mutzali: Somehow ‘fast’ and ‘abstinent’ just don’t sound like they go together.

    Postie: And just how many women have you been abstinent with? You non-promiscuous actor-type.

    Buffy: Some of the search terms, I have no idea how they got to my site.

    • Well, I don’t like to not-kiss and tell, but – for one – I’ve been abstinent with Angelina Jolie. Actually, think of someone smart, sexy and beautiful. Odds are, I’ve been abstinent with them… multiple times.

      • But does she know?

      • Oh, she knows she’s never had sex with me. When someone doesn’t have sex with me, they don’t just forget it, bub.

      • If she doesn’t know you, how could she know that she hasn’t known you?

  7. Hateful Coward!

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