Some Useless Humour

23 March, 2009

Actually, not useless.  With Norris and Beck trying to start a civil war, we need a laugh.  (This was sent to me by a really good friend.)

People are always asking how fights start between some people. Well, sit back, read and learn:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…..

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed..

I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….


Saturday morning I got up early, dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.  I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a  different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘I know. Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?’

And that’s how the fight started….


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road when the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you get so stressed that little things just seem funny? Well, I couldn’t believe it…. the other driver was a dwarf!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I am NOT happy!!!”  So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started….


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ 

So I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started….


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.  So I drove her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…..


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I would have to go home and come back later.

She said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’

So I opened my shirt, revealing my silver chest hair. She said, ‘That
silver hair is proof enough for me’ and she processed my application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ exclaimed my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…..


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah,’ I said, ‘She can order for herself.’

And then the fight started….


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.  She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Well, your eyesight is damn near perfect..’

And then the fight started….



  1. These are all good ones. Thanks for the laughs — they’re needed on a Monday

  2. LOL, to coin a cliche.

    And of course we know you’re not talking about (((Wife))), right? Right?

  3. Good stuff

  4. I just shared those with a co-worker and we both had a good laugh. Thanks! 🙂

  5. Davis: Thanks for stopping by, and glad I could help.

    Ric: Well, the one that involved (((Wife))? I walked out of a grocery store in Maine having overheard an odd conversation. I got into the van, and said to (((Wife))), “There was this old couple in the grocery store . . . . Actually, they were about our age . . . .” And as the words left my mouth, I knew I was in trouble.

    Philly: My reaction too.

    Dan: Thanks for visiting. How did we survive in offices before the internet?

  6. (((Billy))):

    These are good. Thank your friend for me, please.

  7. Chappie: Will do.

  8. Loved them. Kind of glad I am single now.

  9. HA!

  10. Mike and Poodles: Glad you enjoyed them.

    All: I wonder if there are theist/atheist versions of these? If not, I bet someone could come up with one. Hopefully better than, “And I said, ‘I’m and atheist,’ and the fight began.”

  11. Can I phone a friend? LMAO. Though, for the record, Beck and his klan are quite hilarious.

  12. DB: Beck and his Klan are not hilarious, they are Father Coughlin scary.

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