Fractured Hallmark Cards

9 March, 2009

On a personal note, as of 0722 EDT, on Monday, 09 March, 2009, my blog has recieved 2,998 comments (not including the 200 from various Nigerian princes and oil ministers (seriously, folks, how many princes and oil ministers does one country need?) and viagra advertisers).  Who will be 3,000?

One of my best friends sent me this:

Fractured Hallmark Cards

My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat.
I looked under the tire
And I noticed yourcat.


Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don’t you fret about it:
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder,
“What the hell was I thinking?”


How could two people as beautiful as you
Possibly have such an ugly baby?


Congratulations on this, your wedding day!
Too bad no one can stand your husband.


I’ve always wanted someone to have,
Someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After having met you,
I’ve changed my mind.


I must admit you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion!
Before you go, though,
Would you kindly take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.


Happy Birtday, Uncle Dad!

(available in limited areas)


When we were together, you always said you would die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.


We’ve been friends for an awfully long time.
What say we stop?


I’m so miserable without you.
It’s almost like you’re here.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
Have the paternity tests come back yet?


Your friends and I wanted to do something special for you on your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.


So your daughter’s a hooker
and it spoiled you day.
Look at the bright side:
It’s really good pay!

I have no responsibility for any keyboard damage caused by early-morning coffee sprayage.

These are pretty ‘normal’ ones.  I’ll bet dollars to donuts that the bizarre people (and the normal ones) who comment here can come up with much better fractured Hallmark cards.

Go for it.  (And a bonus if you can work absinthe into a Hallmark card.)



  1. Those are some funny cards. I also like your masthead, especially the Scrabble part.

  2. Excuse the pun but, really, you have no one to blame but yourself…

    A belated anniversary card from an alcholic, lisping and forgetful spouse:

    Sorry I missed our wedding anniversay but lately, I’ve been absinthe-minded


  3. Davis: Thanks for stopping by. The masthead is about the fifth incarnation and the one I like the best. (((Wife))) and I, on my days off, will play three or four games of Scrabble a day, so . . . .

    Ram: Bad pun. No donut. And you were my 3,000th commenteer.

  4. Saw a good one: shows a sunny day, two robins laying on a blanket taking in the sun, and a tree in the distance with a cat peeping around it.

    The caption goes, “Jim, the cat, though that to celebrate his birthday he’d have some baskin’ robins.

  5. Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
    See! I’m fonder of you already.

  6. Sarge: Excellent.

    Fiery: Kind of obvious, don’t you think?

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