Noah’s Ark Was Found. Two Years Ago. Really.13 February, 2009
Those morons turkeys I wrote about a few days ago are looking in the wrong place. Hell, they’re looking in the wrong country. At least according to an expedition a little over two years ago. At least, according to B.A.S.E. (The Biblical Archeology Search and Exploration Institute). Here is an article from Good Morning America (2006) (My snark has been added):
Has Noah’s Ark Been Found? (I’m Guessing No)
Christian Archaeology Team Believes It Has Found the Ark (Keep in mind, belief is the ability to think the impossible is true in the face of no, or contrary, evidence)
June 29, 2006 —
A team of Texas archaeologists believe they may have located the remains of Noah’s Ark in Iran’s Elburz mountain range. (See, I told those turkeys in Turkey were sniffing up the wrong mountain)
“I can’t imagine what it could be if it is not the Ark,” (The hallmark of woo) said Arch Bonnema (Is he the arch banana?) of the Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration (B.A.S.E) Institute, (It must be real; it has the word ‘Institute’ in the title) a Christian archeology organization dedicated to looking for biblical artifacts. (Inspired, I suspect, by Indiana Jones, not the search for truth)
Bonnema and the other B.A.S.E. (Isn’t religion supposed to help us control our baser instincts?) Institute members hiked for seven hours (Which proves it must be remote (or proves that you can waste a lot of time walking in circles (contributed by daughter))) in the mountains northwest of Tehran, climbing 13,000 feet (an actual fact (though 2,000 feet lower than these turkey’s mountain)) before making the apparent discovery.
“We got up to this object, nestled in the side of a hill,” said Robert Cornuke, a member of the B.A.S.E. Institute. “We found something that has my heart skipping a beat.” (That would be altitude sickness)
At first, they didn’t dare to hope it was the biblical boat. (Right. They spend thousands on this expedition, and didn’t dare hope? Then what the fuck were they doing there? Spying for the IAEA?)
“It wasn’t impressive at first,” Cornuke said. “Certainly didn’t think it to be Noah’s Ark. (But earlier, he stated, “I can’t imagine what it could be if it is not the Ark” — make up your mind) But when we got close, we were amazed. It looked similar to wood.” (No photo, of course.)
In addition, some B.A.SE. members say, their discovery didn’t look very distinctive. (Distinctive like, say, a boat the size of an aircraft carrier?)
“It looked like the deck of any boat today,” Bonnema said. (Made out of steel and/or fibreglass?)
Long Search for the Ark
The Bible places the Ark in the mountains of Ararat, a mountain range theologians (Why don’t you check with some geologists? Or historical geographers? They you would know, you wouldn’t have to believe.) believe spans hundreds of miles, (Of course, I don’t think they use statute miles back in the Bronze Age) which the team says is consistent with their find in Iran.
The Bible also describes the Ark’s dimensions as being 300 cubits by 50 cubits — about the size of a small aircraft carrier. (Called that one) The B.A.S.E. Institute’s discovery is similar in size and scale. (Size AND scale? What scale is it? 1/350? 1/700? (both common ship model scales))
“It is provocative to think (Go ahead. Try it. It might surprise you) that this could be the lost ark of Noah,” Cornuke said
Throughout history, people have been searching for the Ark to help prove God’s existence. (Correct me if I’m wrong, here, but isn’t the whole point that God says, “You must have faith, therefore I will not prove I exist?)
“There’s this idea, if we can prove that the ark existed (Big if) then we can prove that the story existed, and more importantly, we can prove that God existed,” (Logicians, begin parsing) said Bruce Feiler, author of “Where God Was Born.” (So, obviously, he’s coming at this with an open mind)
Previous scholars have searched for the Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey. (Yeah, we know)
“Czar Nicholas, actually, in 1916 sent two expeditions to photograph it on top of Mount Ararat,” said Feiler. (And we all know just how lucid, logical and rational Nikki was, right? Just ask his wife’s gigolo, Rasputin)
One former U.S. president, Feiler said, looked for it in the mountains of Iran. (Oh, this should be good)
“There is a story that Jimmy Carter, on his way to visit the Shah of Iran in 1977, purposefully flew over it,” (Which is better then purposefully flying into it) he said. (I thought the radical religious right hated Jimmy Carter for giving away honoring our treaty commitments regarding the Panama Canal)
As recently as March, researcher claimed to have satellite photos that proved the presence of Ark remains. (You gonna actually show these?) The B.A.S.E institute hopes the physical evidence they’ve brought back from Iran will hold the answer to this enduring mystery. (The only reason it is even a mystery is because grown people believe in fairy tales)
“People will always be looking for it, always be skeptical, always be excited of the search,” Cornuke said. “But I think we found something here that’s very notable.” (Insanity?)
The B.A.S.E. Institute’s samples are being examined at labs in Texas and Florida. (What labs? The Discovery Institute?) B.A.S.E officials concede that there would be no way to conclusively prove that their finding is actually Noah’s Ark. (Duh.)
So the hunt goes on. The biggest hurdle in identifying Noah’s Ark comes down to “gopher wood.” (I saw gopher wood when I was in Boy Scouts: “Billy, gopher some more fire wood) The Bible says (The Bible also says bats are birds, pi=3, and grasshoppers have four legs, so take it with a pillar of salt) the Ark was made of gopher wood but no one knows what it is.
ABC News’ Chris Cuomo reported this story for “Good Morning America.”
I think I need to add a new category — shooting fish in a barrel.