Noah’s Ark Was Found. Two Years Ago. Really.

13 February, 2009

Those morons turkeys I wrote about a few days ago are looking in the wrong place.  Hell, they’re looking in the wrong country.  At least according to an expedition a little over two years ago.  At least, according to B.A.S.E. (The Biblical Archeology Search and Exploration Institute).  Here is an article from Good Morning America (2006) (My snark has been added):


Has Noah’s Ark Been Found?  (I’m Guessing No)

Christian Archaeology Team Believes It Has Found the Ark  (Keep in mind, belief is the ability to think the impossible is true in the face of no, or contrary, evidence)

June 29, 2006 — 

A team of Texas archaeologists believe they may have located the remains of Noah’s Ark in Iran’s Elburz mountain range. (See, I told those turkeys in Turkey were sniffing up the wrong mountain)

“I can’t imagine what it could be if it is not the Ark,” (The hallmark of woo) said Arch Bonnema (Is he the arch banana?) of the Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration (B.A.S.E) Institute,  (It must be real; it has the word ‘Institute’ in the title) a Christian archeology organization dedicated to looking for biblical artifacts. (Inspired, I suspect, by Indiana Jones, not the search for truth)

Bonnema and the other B.A.S.E. (Isn’t religion supposed to help us control our baser instincts?)  Institute members hiked for seven hours (Which proves it must be remote (or proves that you can waste a lot of time walking in circles (contributed by daughter))) in the mountains northwest of Tehran, climbing 13,000 feet (an actual fact (though 2,000 feet lower than these turkey’s mountain)) before making the apparent discovery. 

“We got up to this object, nestled in the side of a hill,” said Robert Cornuke, a member of the B.A.S.E. Institute. “We found something that has my heart skipping a beat.” (That would be altitude sickness)

At first, they didn’t dare to hope it was the biblical boat. (Right.  They spend thousands on this expedition, and didn’t dare hope?  Then what the fuck were they doing there?  Spying for the IAEA?)

“It wasn’t impressive at first,” Cornuke said. “Certainly didn’t think it to be Noah’s Ark. (But earlier, he stated,  “I can’t imagine what it could be if it is not the Ark” — make up your mind) But when we got close, we were amazed. It looked similar to wood.”  (No photo, of course.)

In addition, some B.A.SE. members say, their discovery didn’t look very distinctive. (Distinctive like, say, a boat the size of an aircraft carrier?)

“It looked like the deck of any boat today,” Bonnema said. (Made out of steel and/or fibreglass?)


Long Search for the Ark

The Bible places the Ark in the mountains of Ararat, a mountain range theologians (Why don’t you check with some geologists?  Or historical geographers?  They you would know, you wouldn’t have to believe.) believe spans hundreds of miles, (Of course, I don’t think they use statute miles back in the Bronze Age) which the team says is consistent with their find in Iran.

The Bible also describes the Ark’s dimensions as being 300 cubits by 50 cubits — about the size of a small aircraft carrier. (Called that one) The B.A.S.E. Institute’s discovery is similar in size and scale. (Size AND scale?  What scale is it?  1/350?  1/700? (both common ship model scales))

“It is provocative to think (Go ahead.  Try it.  It might surprise you) that this could be the lost ark of Noah,” Cornuke said

Throughout history, people have been searching for the Ark to help prove God’s existence. (Correct me if I’m wrong, here, but isn’t the whole point that God says, “You must have faith, therefore I will not prove I exist?)

“There’s this idea, if we can prove that the ark existed (Big if) then we can prove that the story existed, and more importantly, we can prove that God existed,” (Logicians, begin parsing) said Bruce Feiler, author of “Where God Was Born.” (So, obviously, he’s coming at this with an open mind)

Previous scholars have searched for the Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey. (Yeah, we know)

“Czar Nicholas, actually, in 1916 sent two expeditions to photograph it on top of Mount Ararat,” said Feiler. (And we all know just how lucid, logical and rational Nikki was, right?  Just ask his wife’s gigolo, Rasputin)

One former U.S. president, Feiler said, looked for it in the mountains of Iran. (Oh, this should be good)

“There is a story that Jimmy Carter, on his way to visit the Shah of Iran in 1977, purposefully flew over it,” (Which is better then purposefully flying into it)  he said. (I thought the radical religious right hated Jimmy Carter for giving away honoring our treaty commitments regarding the Panama Canal)

As recently as March, researcher claimed to have satellite photos that proved the presence of Ark remains. (You gonna actually show these?) The B.A.S.E institute hopes the physical evidence they’ve brought back from Iran will hold the answer to this enduring mystery. (The only reason it is even a mystery is because grown people believe in fairy tales)

“People will always be looking for it, always be skeptical, always be excited of the search,” Cornuke said. “But I think we found something here that’s very notable.” (Insanity?)

The B.A.S.E. Institute’s samples are being examined at labs in Texas and Florida. (What labs?  The Discovery Institute?) B.A.S.E officials concede that there would be no way to conclusively prove that their finding is actually Noah’s Ark. (Duh.)

So the hunt goes on. The biggest hurdle in identifying Noah’s Ark comes down to “gopher wood.” (I saw gopher wood when I was in Boy Scouts:  “Billy, gopher some more fire wood)  The Bible says (The Bible also says bats are birds, pi=3, and grasshoppers have four legs, so take it with a pillar of salt) the Ark was made of gopher wood but no one knows what it is.

ABC News’ Chris Cuomo reported this story for “Good Morning America.”




I think I need to add a new category — shooting fish in a barrel.



  1. Gopher wood is what you use to trap gophers. You post pictures of hot little gopher chicks, the gophers sport some wood, and then they can’t make it back into their holes, so you can catch ’em (or shoot ’em, whatever). 🙂

    How they made a boat from gopher wood, I have no idea. Poor gophers.

  2. My favourite part is when he(?) proclaims that discovering Noah’s (or whose ever) Ark would somehow *prove* the existence of God – as if even if there were some huge wooden boat on a mountain there still weren’t thousands of more logical explanations.

  3. I’ll bet they wouldn’t have had to walk for seven hours if they’d hired an Iranian shepherd to be their guide.

  4. Philly: I thought that was how you trapped peckers.

    Craig: The insecurity of the fundogelical Christian leads to these projects to ‘prove’ god. I guess they just don’t have enough faith.

    Chappie: Or, the shephard was being paid by the hour. It could have been worse, though: they could have wondered for 40 years. Must have been a woman along willing to open the map and ask for directions (Meant as humour, honest).

  5. Apparently, “faith” alone isn’t a good enough reason for them to believe in their stories. Pseudoscience is awesome.

  6. Mark 16: 16 He that believeth and is baptized, shall be saved: but he that believeth not shall be condemned.


  7. You repent! Bow to the grandness and holiness that is Optimus Prime!

  8. () –

    Looks like you have a new idiot spamming you with Marky stuff. Marky Micky? Micky Marky? Micky Mousebrain? How many of your posts has he spammed?

  9. Micky: See my following post: Godbot Troll Attempts to Save Billy. Please see a good mental health professional. Quickly.

    Matt: Nah. I bow to (((Wife))) (but only in certain circumstances).

    Ric: I think he hit about 30 (I have better things to do than count his comments). Micky the Troll think that repetition of absurdity will overcome rationality?

  10. There are many Christians who are just as skeptical of Bob Cornuke and B.A.S.E. as you are. He has no formal training as an archeologist, but he seems adept at making money off of his books and seminars.

    Christianity Today debunked the same thing you are: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/may/12.62.html

    I agree that this makes Christianity look goofy, but don’t let the fringe be your reason for rejecting Christ.

  11. Theo: Thanks for the link.

    This is not the only thing that makes Christianity look goofy. Once you start down the road of absolute biblical literalism, goofiness is just a matter of degree.

    I am happy to see this group speak out against nonsense like this. When will they start speaking out against the insertion of religion into the bedrooms of non-Christians? or the insertion of religion into politics? or foreign policy? or health care?

  12. And according to a comment at Greg Laden’s Blog , a commenter (Dan J) notes that:

    Okay, the one that really caught my eye was the Noah’s Ark thing. Of course, I had to check it out. Even went to the “Base Institute” web site itself!

    I opened up Google Earth, so I could take a look at the area where this astonishing discovery was made. I’m not at all familiar with the geography in Iran, so it was definitely a learning experience.

    The “Institute” says specifically that they were in Iran, more specifically near Takht-i-Suleiman in West Azarbaijan. Next, I had to look for a place where they could find “object perched on a ridge at 13,120 feet.”

    Hmmmm… I’m having trouble finding anything at that altitude. Maybe that’s because there are only about ten mountain summits in Iran with altitudes greater than 13,000 feet, and none of them are near Takht-i-Suleiman. The maximum elevation in that area is about 11,000 feet. Either these guys are very poor liars or they were hopelessly lost. Maybe they were actually in southern Kyrgyzstan at Taht-I-Suleiman. Well, that’s only off by about 1,400 miles, so it’s a possibility.

    Sometimes religion does very strange things to people.

    Apparently, these folks were smoking some good shit to be 2,000 feet above the highest peak in the area. Damn.

  13. What if the Ark was found? Then, Billy, will you reconsider? Watch a series of videos where 5 men died and came back to life to tell what they saw. Some were agnostic, some were atheist. None were Christians. Most were educated with one being a professor, another a doctor and another a Russian scientist. One also was a postman and the other was a criminal. The videos are on UTube. Do a Search at utube for >> To Hell and Back, Rawlings.

    Whether you believe the Ark was found is not important but your eternal life is. I hope something changes your mind. I will be praying for you.

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