Happy Holidays, You Jerk!

3 December, 2008

I have the flu.  (((Girl))) says, “That can be dangerous for old people.”  Thpppt!!!

At work, I said to a young couple, “Enjoy the holidays” as they left.  The man turned to me and said, “You’re American.  Say Merry Christmas!”

So I said, “Happy Ramadan and Happy Hanukkah while you’re at it.”  I’m sick, so I forgot Saturnalia, Yule, and Winter Solstice.  He just walked out.

I am, culturally, Christian.  I celebrate Christmas (with Winter Solstice tossed into the mix).  I celebrate family, giving, and the hope (probably unrealizable) of peace.  I have always celebrated Christmas.  I no longer wait for Santa (and kids are old enough that I no longer amSanta), but I enjoy giving and receiving.

This whole damnable “War On Christmas” idiocy is, if anything, turning me more and more away.  I have begun to dread the season — two months of having Christianity shoved down my throat.  And then, when I try not to add to the shoving, I get “You’re American.  Say Merry Christmas!”

I guess to that particular person, only Christians are American.  Jews aren’t American.  Buddhists, Shintoists, Muslims, Animists, Rastafarian’s, Pastafarians, and Santerians are not American.  And, I suspect, the 15% of us who identify ourselves as atheists, agnostics, freethinkers or faithfreeists are not American, either.

Bise mich!



  1. And Kwanzaa, Humanlight, and Squidmas.

    As for only Christians being Americans that’s only in their demented fantasies. 😦

    Now go and get well!!

  2. So would anyone who celebrates St. Patty’s day be considered culturally Irish? How about Cinco de Mayo? If you party that day, are you culturally Mexican? When I used to live near a large Greek population, I would make a point of going to their once a year fair since the food was great. Was I culturally Greek then?

    Anyway, here’s how you could have made them feel stupid:

    You’re American. Say Merry Christmas!
    – You’re not going to celebrate New Year’s?
    Of course we will
    – Then Happy Holidays, PLURAL, asshat! (“asshat” optional)

  3. I’ve often been ambivalent about Christmas, but that’s just the Scrooge coming out in me – Bah Humbug.

    What’s so wrong with saying ‘enjoy the holidays’ anyway? A lot of people take holidays around Christmas, so surely it’s just being polite to wish them enjoyment. After all Christmas is just the one day.

  4. Kate: Squidmas? Are you a fan of PZed?

    Philly: There was a Greek fesitval in Scranton. The commercial had the tag line, “Come enjoy the great taste of Greece.” Didn’t work real well as a voice over.

    I like your suggestion and will definately use it. I can’t use the ‘asshat’ of course. Thanks.

    Oz: There is nothing wrong with using ‘holidays’. It is a wedge issue created by the asshats at Faux News and the neo-fascist Focus on the Family.

  5. You left out Misanthropes. We don’t even do the ‘holidays’ thing. I tend to think of those of us engaged in the ancient and honorable practice of Misanthropy not as Americans or Romanians but as citizens of the world. We get more holidays that way.

  6. Ric: Are misanthropes any relation to lycanthropes? I have a strong streak of misanthropy in my personality. Part of it is paranoia, but I’m never sure if I am paranoid enough. Cynicism and misanthropy are closely related. But luckily, the Republicans are doing their best to cure my cynical outlook. Yeah. Right.


  7. (((Billy))): Just found it poking around the nets. And they even have Squidmas cards-that makes it official, right? 😀

    Philly: I just married into a Greek family. I love their food. *drool*

  8. You really meet some strange people in your neck of the woods.

  9. Chappie: The couple was from Northern Virginia. Vienna, I think. Stop sending them my way.

  10. Vienna, VA used to be such a nice town…

    Showing my age now.

    Well, listening to the twice born and their opinions is always interesting. They believe that something is being taken from them if they are somehow not afforded full punctilio of their creed. It’s more than just disrespect for their religion, it’s actually taking something from THEM personally. They are very afraid of that, it seems.

  11. Vienna, VA! Say it ain’t so. That’s the next town over from me.

  12. () –

    You can never be too paranoid. I, on the other hand, can be less paranoid – I carry a sword cane on trips to the grocery store, keep a derringer in my sneakers, and can piss MACE – and thus am prepared to wreak misanthropy whenever cheeriness and stupidity rear their nasty heads.

  13. I used to have a sword cane. Had a nice deer antler handle (which is now attacked to a small knife). Engraved on the sword (in Latin): “Do not draw me without reason; Do not replace me until honour has been appeased.” I always wondered what would happen if I just wanted to look at it.

    You can piss mace? Damn. That beats our cats.

    And what happens if someone is cheerful and intelligent at the same time? Or is grumpy and intelligent?

    That last sounds familiar, eh Grumpy Lion?

  14. I am cursed with grumptelligence.

    Beats being one of those ever cheerful pollyanna types. I tie their sneaker laces together when they’re not looking.

  15. What do you do with the ones who wear the shoes with the velcro straps? Or cowboy boots?

    I tend to alternate between cynicism and optimism. Is it possible to be a cynical optimist? Actually, not a bad name for a blog, there.

  16. The velcro crowd I just flat out trip. The ones wearing cowboy boots I figure them to be rodeo fans and I try to do really painful things to them, you know, like they do to animals.

    How about the Cyntimist? Or the Optimicist?

  17. Optimicist sounds like an eye doctor. Cyntimist? That sounds like a medicine.

  18. Cynoptic? Optcin?

    (Beware, there be puns about.)

  19. Do the exchanges allow optcins on puns? If so, I want to sell short.

    (((Wife))) says, “Only the punitent man shall pass.”

  20. This discussion is becoming PUN geant!

  21. () –

    Only he who opts in may sell short, but the market may well punish him and lead him to punitence.

    sarge –

    Reminds me of a beauty contest sponsored by a deodorant company… you know, a beauty pungeant…

  22. Ric, you’re a man after my own heart!

    Has anyone read the O’Reilly rant in the paper? It was in our local paper, usually I only read him if I need an emetic, but todays was, well, intriguing. Sort of follows the thread of this post.

  23. Sarge: I know the old saw about ‘know your enemy,’ but O’Reilly? I ain’t getting paid enough to read his dreck.

    Ric: I’m trying to recover from a severe sinus infection. Your puns aren’t helping.

  24. ()-

    You can sign us up to help you recover. A fictitious case of intravenous Scotch, complete with nose drip, is in the mail.

  25. The sign at our Burger King said ‘Jesus Is the Reason for the Season’
    So, I took my girls to Wendy’s for lunch. 🙂

    Great post and blog. I work in retail and I’ve been saying “Happy Holidays” without anyone biting my head off YET….

    I love your blog. How did you get it to snow???
    That’s very, very cool!!

  26. Ric: Why take scotch intravenously? The point of drinking is to enjoy the flavour, right?

    Tracey: Thanks for stopping by. I refuse to eat at BK just based on the ‘King’ adverts.

    As far as the snow, wordpress has a function under Appearance and then Extras.

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