When Nursery Rhymes Go Bad

1 December, 2008

I have been accused of having a weird sense of humour.  Sometimes it is weird in a good way, other times, well . . . .  I think I get much of my odd sense of humour from my father.  After all, he’s the one who told me that a good geologist never takes limestone for granite.  He also, occasionally, got us in trouble with his sense of humour.

When my older sister was in kindergarten (Montgomery County, Maryland (back in the old days (so long ago that her birthday party was the first integrated birthday party anyone in Poolesville knew about))), her class studied nursery rhymes.  Unfortunately, she had learned them from Dad first:

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her sister away.

And if that wasn’t enough (and this is the one that started the argument with the teacher):

Hickory, dickory, dock,
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And the other two escaped with minor injuries.

So, is my current sense of humour genetic or environmental?

One of my good friends sent me some more alternate versions of the old nursery rhymes.  Part of wishes I had known these as a kid.  Part of me is glad I didn’t.  I’m sure my teachers are glad, too.

Mary had a little pig,
 She kept it fat and plastered;
 And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
  Mary had a little lamb.
 Her father shot it dead.
 Now it goes to school with her,
 Between two hunks of bread.
 Jack and Jill went up the hill
 To have a little fun.
 Stupid Jill forgot the pill
 And now they have a son.
 Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
 Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
 Said the pie man unto Simon,
 ‘Pies, you dumb ass’
 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
 Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
 All the kings’ horses,
 And all the kings’ men.
 Had scrambled eggs,
 For breakfast again.
 Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock.
 The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock.
 ************** ******
 Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
 Kissed the girls and made them cry.
 And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.
 There was a little girl who had a little curl
 Right in the middle of her forehead.
 When she was good, she was very, very good.
 But when she was bad. …….
 She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

I have strange friends.



  1. Let’s see…

    Mary, Mary,
    Quite contrary,
    How does your garden grow?

    With silver bells
    And oyster shells,
    And a bunch of f***ing weeds about four feet high!

  2. Sarge: Knew I could count on you. And I just remembered this one:

    The King of Hearts
    He made some tarts
    all in a divorce decree!

  3. The only one I know:

    ‘If at first you can’t fricassee, fry, fry, a hen’

    I know-not that good-and not quite a nursery rhyme.

  4. Kate: Sometimes I think you are channeling my 15-year-old daughter. I don’t understand her, either.

  5. Billy
    Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
    eating his Christmas pie.
    He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a Bulldozer.
    Saying, where the hell did that come from.

  6. Kate! I love it! Another punster!

    I heard one:

    Little Jack Horner
    Sat in a corner
    (here pick your own disgusting perversion for him to be doing)

  7. (((Billy))) I’ll take that as a compliment. 😛

  8. Mezza: Welcome to my blog. Funny. Need work on the rhyming, but funny.

    Sarge: Open ended commenting?

    Kate: If you are 15, definately a compliment — she could pass for 20 (looks and brains (which scares the shit out of me)). Oh, and I got it. Funny.

  9. There are many testimonies, Brother (((Billy)))! Some find the feather a bit of a kink, others find the whole chicken to be normal.

    In my last post I say, Name Your Own Poison.

  10. (((Billy))): I just like being compared favorably to a 15-year-old. It doesn’t happen near enough.

  11. Sarge: I thought that was the difference between kinky and perverted. I guess I just don’t have enough experience.

    As for naming my own poison? Scotch, Cherry Coke and Pumpkin Seeds (not at the same time, of course) and bocce. Plus the occasional cigar. Or pipe with some black cavendish.

  12. Kate: Do you have contact with fifteen year old girls? Is this really a complement?

  13. (((Billy))): I generally avoid them like the plague, but yours sounds like a decent one to be compared to.

  14. “Hickory dickory dick…”

    I don’t believe I need go any further with that one.

  15. Headbang8: Welcome to my blog. Look at what others have written. Look at what I have written. Go ahead. Go further. Please.

  16. Jack and Jill went up the hill
    to get a little hotter
    Stupid Jill forgot the pill
    and now they have a daughter

  17. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard To fetch her dog a bone When she bent over Rover ran over And gave her a bone of his own

  18. Sing a song of sexpants, Trousers all a-bulge 4 & 20 blackbirds longing to indulge When the flies were opened The girls began to sing What a dainty morsel, even for a king!

  19. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It had not been the spider that crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

  20. Mary Had A Little Lamb, She also had a duck She put them on the mantelpiece to see if they would…. …talk to each other.

  21. I think I have posted enough for people to see where I’m comming from. lol hope you all liked them! =)

  22. Julia: Thank you. It lightens the mood on this blog a little bit after the last few days of dotman. Wonderful rewrites. But not a single nursery rhyme involving sauropods? Or even dinosaurs?

    • ummmm if u were posting that for me the name is Julie, Not Julia…

    • Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Julie.

  23. jakc and jill
    went up the hill with a bottle of brandy
    silly jill forgot to take a pill
    Now they have a son called Andy

  24. Hickory, dickory, dock,
    Three mice ran up his cock.
    The cock struck one,
    And the other two escaped with minor injuries.

    • Good one. Or:

      Hickory, dickory, dock,
      Three mice ran up his cock.
      The cock got one,
      And the other two escaped with virtue intact.

  25. Hickory, dickory, dock,
    Your bitch just sucked my cock.

  26. Jack and Jill
    went up the hill with a bottle of brandy
    silly Jill forgot the pill
    Now they have princess Candy

  27. Jack and Jill
    went up the hill with a bottle of brandy
    silly Jill forgot the pill
    Now they have a girl named andy

  28. Lol heres another one

    Little boy blue,
    because he had too

  29. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
    Her legs wide open and splayed
    Along came a spider who crawled up inside her
    And tickled miss muffet all day

  30. Jack and Jill went up the hill
    they each had a dollar and a quarter
    Jill came down with 2 and a half
    do you think they went for water?

  31. Hickory dickory dock
    this broad was sucking my cock
    the clock struck 2,I blew my goo
    then dropped her on the next block.

  32. Ok, not a nursery rhyme…

    How to pronounce Norfolk properly:

    We don’t drink, we don’t smoke,
    Norfolk, Norfolk, Norfolk!

  33. Or this,

    Hickory Dickory Dock,
    Your Bitch Just Sucked My Cock,
    It Came In her Face It was A Disgrace,
    Hickory Dickory Dock

  34. Ok, i got one.

    Rock-a-bye Dildo,
    Under the Bush.
    Covered in Cum,
    And tastes very Good.

    Rock-a-bye Dildo,
    Time for step 2.
    I’ll give you a Hint,
    I hope you like Poo.

  35. Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch some marijuana, Jack got high and dropped his fly and asked her, “Do ya wanna?”
    Jill said yes and dropped her dress and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill and then they had a son.

  36. hickory dickory dock some bitch was sucking my cock
    the clock struck 2 i shot my goo
    hickory dickory dock

  37. Pls pls let do this if we can now lol i want it done

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  39. really useful Here’s some thing to make you smile: Thought for the day? : Don’t be stupid. We have the Religious Right for that.

  40. heres one my grandma told me

    jack wasnt so nimble, jack wasnt s quck
    jack brne his little **** on the candle stick

  41. Jack and jiull went up a hill to smoke a pot of weed
    Jack got high and dropped his fly and said
    “Jill you wanna”
    Jill said yes and dropped her dress
    Then they had some fun,
    but jack forgot the condom
    and now
    they have a son =)

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  43. Jack and jill went up the hill
    so Jack could lick Jills candy,
    but Jack got blocked and mouthful of cock
    when he found out Jills name was Randy

  44. 1. Hickery dickery dock, a slut was sucking a c*ck, her hair got tangled, the bitch got strangled, but at least she swallowed the shot.

    2. Humpdy dumpty sat on a bed, little bo peep was giving him head. As soon as he came, she started to weep. She knew by the taste that he had been fucking her sheep.

    3. Little Jack Horner sat in a corner eating his sister Marry. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plumb, and said bitch where is the cheery.

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