Squirrel Pizza, a Stupid Bumper Sticker and a Contest

27 October, 2008

(((Wife))) was driving back from her morning shift on the street corner when she saw something, well, unusual.  In the middle of the road was a pizza box.  There was no wind, but the lid (facing away from her) was opening and closing.  That’s odd.  I better drive around it, she thought.  As she passed, and the box opened again, she saw a gray squirrel inside, holding a piece of pizza in his(?) two front paws.  So if a car runs over the box, and then someone else opens the box, will they be surprised to see a squirrel pizza?  And will they ever order from Dominoes again?

I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a beat-to-shit Ford Escort.  The sticker (right below the inevitable fish decal) said:  “Tailgate and I Brake,  Hit Me and I Sue!”  Nice people.

As of Ric’s most recent post, I have had a total of 1,985 comments.  Whoever gets comment number 2,000 receives a prize.  The prize is a fifteen-year-old senile cat with severe abandonment issues and most of his fur.  You have to pick him up, though.  His name is Sherman.  You want him.  Really.

(((Wife))) said I should mention that he has a broken nose and, because of said broken nose, snores.  I shan’t elaborate upon how his nose was broken but, suffice it to say, he has not forgiven me.

Chappie: Comment #1,987
Poodles:  Comment #1,988
Yunshui:  Comment #1,989
Ric:  Comment #1,990
Sarge:  Comment #1,991
Ric:  Comment #1,992
Ric:  Comment #1,993
Me:  Comments #1,994, 1,995 and 1,996 (Gotta be careful.  I don’t want to win the psycho-kitty.)
PhillyChief:  Comments #1,997 and 1,998
Chappie:  Comment #1,999

Ric (aka The Grumpy Lion or The Peeved Pussy):  Comment #2,000!



  1. I know times are tough, but it’s got to be really bad when squirrels are eating cold leftover pizza. I wonder if they like pepperoni?

    That friendly bumper sticker was probably hiding the huge hole that had rusted out beneath it.

    I hope this is not number 2,000 – the deacon is allergic to cats.

  2. People with jesus fishes are the worst drivers.

    I too hope I am not 2000, I am horribly allergic to cats.

  3. Squirrel is actually remarkably tasty (it’s become something of a delicacy in the UK thanks to the pioneering work of gastronomic explorer Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall), so I fo rone find the idea of a squirrel pizza quite appetising.

    Middle-class Englanders and the population of Kentucky… it’s a niche market.

  4. As one who has hunted the “Bushy Tailed Tree Rat” and eaten it with relish (enjoyment, not the condiment).

    Squirrels eat a multitude of things, in our area they seem to have a seasonal preference for baby and fledgling birds. (and to think…it used to be that the most frightful thing a baby bird could hear was the ‘boing…boing…boing’ of an elephant with springs on its feet moving through the forest with the rape of said birds on its mind. Now they must contend with the silent, stealthy approch of an aviophage squirrel. How terrible!)

    The way things are going, there may be a resurgence in the upper class taste for squirrel.

    Strange…the last chicken I ate tasted A LOT like squirrel and snake. I often wonder about that.

  5. And (((Wife))) didn’t stop and move the box (and thus the squirrel) out of danger? What was she thinking? (Rabies is not a valid answer…)

  6. Chappie: No, you are not 2,000. If you were, you would be able to tell us whether Jesus actually lived.

    Poodles: No, Rhode Islanders are the worst drivers, with or with out the fascist fishies.

    Yunshui: You worry me.

    Sarge: If have had squirrel stew (Cumberland Valley of Maryland). When did elephants on springs start raping baby birds? You worry me more than Yunshui does.

    Ric: No, she didn’t. If the temperature is under 60 (fahrenheit), she doesn’t go outdoors. She used to like cold weather, not anymore. Actually, same here.

    She was also surprised that there was food still in the box — it ain’t cheap. She was also surprised that it was a squirrel, not a human eating the box.

  7. Well, I’ve eaten it friccaseed, fried, baked, backed in a pie, and squirrel head burgoo, really enjoyed it. Wife and sons were never as sanguine about the burgoo as I was, so I haven’t had it for some time.

    Back in the mid ’60’s we (for who knows what reason) found “Elephant ” and “Grape” jokes to be wildly hilarious…no one today really knows why.

    Our civil war reenactment group was returning from an event some years ago and telling jokes, and that one popped back into my head from forty years before. I asked one of our young men (then 16) this:

    “Why do elephants wear springs on their feet”?

    He indicated that he hadn’t the faintest idea why they should do such a singular thing.

    “So they can jump into trees and rape baby birds”! was my enlightening answer.

    He gaped at me like a landed bass and said,
    “That’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard you say in the years I’ve known you”!

    But I had part two of the joke waiting,
    “What’s the most terrifying thing a baby bird can hear?”

    He indicated ignorance on that subject as well, so I enlightened him: “Boing…boing…boing…”

    He confessed himself to have spoken far too soon. Last night he informed me that I still had the title of uttering the most disturbing, outlandish, and bizarre things he’s so far heard in his life.

    Well, everyone has to be good at SOMETHING!

  8. Sarge: I’m both glad and sorry that I asked. You really need to start your own blog just to record, in one place, all of your bizarre life experiences.

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