(((Wife))) is Victimized: A mail-in attempted drive by saving!

22 May, 2008

On Tuesday, (((Wife))) checked the mailbox. Not a bad day — only one bill, some garbage and junk mail, and this:

 (((Wife))) could barely keep a straight face as she read the envelope.  The combination of poor grammar and proselytizing psillyness was breathtaking.  And, even though it was addressed to “RESIDENT – TO A FRIEND” it is to bless “YOUR HOME FIRST!” (What is it about fundogelicals and the FREAKIN’ CAPS LOCK?)

She opened it to find three pages (printed on both sides with minimal margins) of religious drivel, and a “Bible faith prayer rug” (also refered to as:  ANOINTED PRAYER RUG OF FAITH; Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug; Church Prayer Rug; Faith Church Prayer Rug; Church Ministry, Prayer Rug; and Bible Prayer Rug) complete with a set of directions explaining how rich, joyful and happy she will become if she follows every single direction.

When you use this Faith Church Prayer Rub, go into a room where you can be alone (Just God and you).  Turn off the television and radio and try to be by yourself when you kneel on this Holy Ghost, Bible Prayer Rug. or spread it over your knees.  We want this Church Ministry, Prayer Rug to be touching both of your knees as you pray for the needs you are facing right now . . . .

. . . Timing is important to God.  After you kneel on the Church Prayer Rug, or place it over your knees, place it in the Bible, on Philippians 4:19.  (If you don’t have a Bible, it’s okay, just slide it under your side of your bed, for tonight,  if you can.  If you can’t do this, it is okay.) Leave It There No Longer Than Tonight Only!  God sees.  Then, in the morning it is a must that you get this unusual blessing Church Prayer Rug out of this house and back to us, here at the church’s chapel prayer room, in faith.  We must also get have this letter back, with whatever you need prayer for, printed on page two.  You must get this Bible Prayer Rug back to the church so we can rush it to another family that’s in need of a blessing. Do this without fail.  Please, do not break this flow of power between us.

This drivel goes on for SIX PAGES, including one page of all caps (if anyone wants to subject themselves to reading the entire thing, I’ll email the photos I made of it). 

(((Wife))) and  I had more than a couple of questions about this.

  1. When did prayer rugs become a Christian tradition?  I thought I knew the Bible pretty well (not perfectly), but are prayer rugs even mentioned?  Especially Bible prayer rugs?
  2. Through the ‘literature’ provided, the church keeps quoting Matthew 19:26: “. . . With God all things are possible.”  Really?  Gay marriage is possible?  Safe, legal and affordable abortions are possible?  Full funding for education is possible?  Equal rights for all (regardless of religious affiliation, gender, sexuality, etc.) is possible?  A low calorie Cherry Coke that really tastes good is possible?  Acceptence of evolution is possible?
  3. They offer to send a free “Blessed Deut. 8:18 Prosperity Cross” when we send back the prayer rug.  Where in: “But thou shalt remember the LORD thy God: for it is he that giveth thee power to get wealth, that he may establish his covenant which he sware unto thy fathers, as it is this day” does it mention a cross?  I thought the cross was a New Testament thing — you know, the whole crucifiction thing.
  4. Do you suppose these asshats have any clue how offensive this is to a large number of Americans?  Or, as (((Wife))) said, are the “so hung up with the love of the Lord, with the knowledge that they are doing ‘God’s Work,’ that they assume that people will thank them for killing trees to send out this garbage?  That this might actually work?”
  5. I wonder what the success rate actually is? 
  6. How much money does this group (from (big suprise) Oklahoma) take in from suckers each year? 

My wife and I were not the only ones to get this.  A very good friend (who happens to be a gay Catholic) told me that everyone he knows in his town got one.  This was a mass mailing and, notice the frank on the envelope, this group gets a discount as a non-prophet (sorry, non-profit) organization.  This means that my tax money is subsidizing this extortion!  I’m pissed. 

Does anyone want a slightly used prayer rug with a brown stripe on it?

Update:  They apparently sent these to a good portion of Pennsylvania.  The Exterminator (over at No More Hornets) got one too.  He’s just as offended as I am (I think), but he also brought up a really good point:  these jokers are using their tax-exempt status to send out chain letters.  I’ll be in contact with the post office soon.

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  1. I don’t live in Pennsylvania or even in a state that touches it. So the mailings must have gone to more than one area of this great Christian nation of ours.

  2. I was extra-special excited to get this last year:


    Those bastards have got a real racket going on. I kept getting stuff from them despite first asking for prayers for protection against the zombie plague that will surely come sooner rather than later, then explaining that I was an Atheist and that this is just a waste of their mass mailing money. I stopped getting this crap only after I threatened legal action. Figures.

  3. I’m jealous! We don’t get anything cool like that in the mail here in Kansas.

  4. Ex: Sorry. I mixed up you and Evo. How are the fires?

    IsThatLatin: Welcome. Yeah, racket is right. Like racketeering and extortion (send me money or good things won’t happen).

    OG: You must look pre-saved.

  5. OG must look pre-saved (gotta be that good evangelical upbringing) and you, (((Billy))), must look like a heathen. People try to save you in the supermarkets, on the streets, in the mailboxes… You are a powerful fundogelical magnet.

  6. Chappie: Why me? Why? (Cue the annoying Nancy Kerrigan voice (and if any readers don’t get that reference, talk to your parents)). My wife and I have puzzled over that one. I think it might be that, because of my job, I tend to look people in the eye. This might make me more approachable? It doesn’t explain how the Oklahoma Asshats (good name for an NBA franchise, eh?) got me, though.

  7. I got one of these years ago. Of course, I just threw it away like a sucker. I didn’t think of praying for the zombie plague.

  8. I got one yesterday. I like it. I’m mailing mine tomorrow.

  9. Hello may I use some of the information found in this site if I link back to you?

  10. They’re still going because years after you posted this, I got one – and several of my Twitter folks did too.

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