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Oh, Boy! A New Chick Tract

3 May, 2008

Over at Pharyngula, the good Mr. Myers has a post about a breathtakingly stupid Chick Tract (I hate to link to the site and give it traffic, but man, this is so stupid it is entertaining (in a idiotic way)) about evolution, atheism and (wait for it) the idea that if there is no God, then an individual can be God.

The post brought back a fun memory from my younger days. 

My sister and I were in the parking lot of the Zayres Department Store in Hagerstown, Maryland.  We were heading in to get some cheap high-top sneakers (I used them when I was a whitewater raft guide (protected the ankles from rocks)).  A young man came up to us and handed us a Chick Tract.  He then said, “I hope you are Godly people and are waiting until you are married before, well, ummmm . . . .” and tailed off.

I just stared at him.  My sister (who was in college at the time) thought quickly and replied, “We’ll have plenty of time to get married after the baby is born.”

The guy looked shocked, and said, “Please, read this book.  It will save your soul.”

My sister then, just to shock him more, said, “Not to worry.  This is my brother and me’s third child.  Well, one of them might be Dad’s, or uncle Bubba’s, but I know this one is little bro’s kid.”

His jaw dropped.  He stared at us for a moment.  Then he turned and ran.  Literally.  He ran away as my sister (I’m not sure if she was Catholic (officially) or not yet) tried to stifle her laughter.

I don’t remember the name of the tract (and I don’t want to spend the time looking for it over at the site), but it was all about how God was watching every move, every thought, every leer, every kiss, every fornication, and would punish me for it.  It was a creepy little booklet.  Entertaining, but creepy.

Have any of you been Chick Tract’d?

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15 comments

  1. I’ve seen Chick tracts. They’re pretty popular in fundogelical circles. They’re like really bad movies – so bad that they’re hilarious.


  2. Chappie: Yeah. Kinda like “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” or “Rocky Horror.” But have you ever been tractored?


  3. Update: The Chick Tract he dumped on us was “This Is Your Life.”


  4. That’s amazing. I’ve never seen those.
    I would have thought it was done by someone with a sense of humor and irony if it wasn’t for the rest of the site.


  5. Jason: The Chick Tracts definately tread a fine line — are they examples of Poe’s Law? Or just narrow-minded zealous religious bigotry?


  6. I don’t think I’ve ever been tractored. My eldest son was about ten years ago. I can’t remember which tract he got, but I was pissed off when I saw it – and I was still a Christian then!


  7. I’ve never heard of Chick tracts until I started reading blogs. They’re pretty funny..I wonder if they’ve ever caused a conversion.
    P.S. Kind of off-topic, but along the lines of crazy religious sayings. I’m a member of an atheist group in my town, and last night one of the women in it threw a party and invited some people from the group. Along with some of her husband’s friends..people in the navy and their spouses. Anyway, a group of us atheists were sitting talking with one of the non-atheist attendees and she realized we were all atheists. She looked horrified and asked why we were atheists. One of the girls replied “Because I don’t see how God could explain sending 6 million people to the gas chamber.” The Christian replied “Well, thats because they were of a different religion”. My boyfriend is a Christian, but of jewish heritage, and was so disgusted he got up and left the conversation. I thought it was funny he spent the whole night with atheists but was disgusted by the Christian’s comment. HAHA. Sorry for the long post but I thought it was funny and wanted to share with the crowd 🙂


  8. I got blasted with one about Dungeons & Dragons once. That was an entertaining read.

    Once, back in my hard core fundy days, I had a friend who used to leave them in restrooms when we’d go out and eat. Or leave them with the tip. At least he left a monetary tip as well, unlike most. He used to carry these other tracts that looked like folded money and slip them in with the real deal. Even then, I thought that was lame and embarrassing. I usually left before he did so the waitress couldn’t track me down.


  9. The Christian replied “Well, thats because they were of a different religion”.

    It’s the damned Romans’ fault! If they hadn’t screwed things up so badly with Egypt and Carthage they would have had enough lions to finish these nutcases before they spread like a pestilence.


  10. Chick Tracts are just a form of Christian entertainment, a tool for proselytizing, and a way for a few Christians to make a living, all rolled into one.

    In order to survive, we all have to find a way to generate income. The makers of Chick tracts do it by creating (and you have to admit their creativity) stoopid little cartoon renditions of Christian dogma. People who actually live that dogma love them so there’s a ready market. Also, (and here I get to condescend a little), the content requires little intellect, so it appeals to people who are more comfortable being told what to think, rather than doing the thinking for themselves.

    It’s a win-win all around! Except for us.


  11. “He used to carry these other tracts that looked like folded money…”

    Yeah, I’ve seen those. I forget what the message was, but it was pretty lame. I don’t think tracts convert people as much as they reinforce belief in believers. And they give Christians something to hand out to people so that they can feel like they’re evangelizing and doing their bit to win the world for Jesus. I can’t tell you how many Four Spiritual Laws tracts passed through my fingers. BLECH!


  12. Sounds like both your wife and sister deliver the zingers.


  13. Past tense for Amy — killed in a drunk driving accident in 1988, but, yeah, both of my sisters could zing, but my wife is better.


  14. Some years ago, I rescued a guy who’d managed to get himself stranded on an island in Lake Superior by dint of sheer and complete stupidity in a toy-store kayak. Brought him back to the mainland, got him warmed up, and gave him a dry place to stay for the night.

    Next morning, he booked out early, and by way of thanks, left me a fistful of Chick tracts.


  15. Ranger Bob: Welcome. When I delivered pizzas while in high school, there was one house that we dreaded. The tip was always a handful of Chick Tracts. I had forgotten about that one until your post.



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