Pre-Dawn (almost) Car Wreck

23 March, 2008

This time of year, I am at work by 7:45 in the morning.  This means I leave my house at 7:00.  This means that I (thanks to Daylight Savings Time) drive to work in the pre-dawn grey (though sometimes the sunrises are nice) — of course, in Northeastern Pennsylvania, grey is a common colour throughout the day). 

I stopped at a stoplight next to a closed bar (which, in this area, is really odd (it was named Elmer Sudds)).  My light turned green, I hesitated (there’s always one more sonuvabitch than you counted on (corollary to Murphy’s Law)), then tapped the gas.  I immediately stomped on the brake.  Hard.  A large black Cadillac whipped out of the side street and roared up the street.  The driver was wearing a clerical collar, he had a cell phone stuffed in his ear, and a Clergy sticker on the back of the car.

Judging from the time, I’d say he was real late for sunrise services.  After all, he has to be there when the groundhog comes out of the tomb and drops fireworks into your stocking.  Or is it when Santa does it with the turkey while the leprechaun watches?  Or maybe its the day when the Zombie cooks the groundhog after stuffing it with eggs and hanging it on the solstice tree while . . . .  Ah, hell.  I admit the whole Easter thing confuses the hell out of me.

One thing that does not confuse me is that this is the second time in as many months that a member of the clergy has cut me off while driving a car that most likely cost more than my house did in ’95.  What happened to caring for your fellow man?  What happened to the vow of poverty?  What happened to the Papal pronouncement about polite driving?  Asshole!



  1. The priests have come down in the world. Before they were outed as pederasts they used to drive Lincolns, but that was back in the day. I think that when I was a kid and began noticing what they were driving is when I started figuring out the whole religion thing was a racket.

  2. I won’t bother thanking The Almighty that you’re okay. If I were in a position to do so, I’d thank the person who taught you how to drive defensively.

  3. BTW – I just noticed your banner. Excellent!

  4. I think a parenthesis is worth 8 points in Scrabble. You should use a few to increase your score.

  5. I’ve been thinking I need to start a revival church, I could use the money.

  6. Ric: Not to worry — the one who cut me off last month (and gave me the old one-finger salute) was driving one of the really big-ass beemers, so not all have come down in the world.

    Chappie: That would be my dad. I still remember his mantras: “Just because they are signalling for a left turn doesn’t mean they will make a left turn; Just because a car starts a turn doesn’t mean they will complete the turn; Just because they have a stop sign, it doesn’t mean they will stop; etc.”

    Chappie: Steve was apparently dazzled by the geometric complexity of my son’s photo, so . . .

    Ex: A ‘P’ is worth 3, ‘A’, ‘R’, ‘E’, ‘N’, ‘T’, ‘S’, and ‘I’ are worth 1 each, and the ‘H’ is worth 4, so, if we assume that there are no bonus squares, parenthesis is worth 16 points. Of course, there are eleven letters, so at least four would have to be out there already, so the possiblity of a 50-point bonus is also there. It would be exceedingly . . . . Oh. You mean that a ‘(‘ or ‘)’ is worth eight points. Unfortunately, none of my Scrabble (R) games have parentheses, or elipses, or bracketsese, or any other punctuation. Must be a Trinity set :).

    Poodles: Forget the church, we just need an economic revival (and, for all you Republicans out there, THE STOCK MARKET GOING UP IS NOT AN ECONOMIC REVIVAL!!!).

  7. “What happened to the vow of poverty?”
    That’s for monks and nuns. Priests don’t take a vow of poverty unless they are attached to a particular order, in which case they probably wouldn’t be saying mass at a regular church, especially at dawn.

  8. “…thank the person who taught you how to drive defensively.” “That would be my dad.”

    I learned how to drive offensively (as in, the best defense is…) from my dad. Not through direct instruction, mind you, but from observation. My driving principles: Always be prepared for some jackass to do something stupid and/or dangerous. Always be prepared to do something that in retrospect would be considered equally stupid and/or dangerous in order to avoid said jackass. DO NOT think before you execute a stupid and/or dangerous action, as you will lose the nerve and/or the opportunity to successfully execute said action. The study of these principles should begin before a driver has to pay for his own insurance and at the wheel of a giant gas-guzzling hunk of Detroit steel.

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