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I Have the Flu

10 March, 2008

I have the flu, but I feel like I need to write something but my brain feels fuzzy.  So I will tell some jokes.

As many of you know, part of my job includes going to forest fires (I was also at Katrina and in NYC for the World Trade Center incident).  Here are my three wildland firefighter jokes:

Why do ducks have flat feet?  To stamp out forest fires.
Why do Park Rangers have flat feet?  To stamp out flaming ducks.

Pitiful, eh?  Don’t worry, I’m saving the best for last.

A wildland firefighter is at home when his kitchen catches on fire.  He immediately runs to the Living Room, dumps some kerosene on the couch and lights it on fire. 
His girlfriend asks, “What are you doing?”
“Setting a backfire,” he replies.

And now, the best (or at least the longest) for last:

Many, many years ago, there was a small kingdom which was very wealthy.  They had the perfect climate and soil for growing flowers which they sold to the surrouding kingdoms.  The tax coffers were flush, schools were well-funded, there were parks and museums, and no pot holes in the roads.

One day, a group of Franciscans built a monastery on a hill just outside the biggest town.  And, the climate and soil being what it was, they began growing flowers.  The other growers were not worried — another supplier would not impact sales significantly.

When the Franciscan’s first crop came in, they sold it at less than half what the other growers charged.  The other growers complained to the Franciscans, but they just smiled gently and said, “Oh, we are doing God’s work. We cannot make an obscene profit.”

Within a year, the kingdom was looking a little ratty.  The unemployment rate was up, the tax revenues were down, the libraries were on short hours.  So the growers tried again, and got the same answer.

Then the king drew together all of his advisors and asked, “What can be done?  They are destroying my kingdom.”  The Chancellor, the Lord Privy Seal, and the Lord of the Bedchamber volunteered to talk to the monks, but they got the same answer:  “We are doing God’s work and cannot make an obscene profit.”

More time went by and things got worse (there were rumours of road repair being outsourced to Halliburton).  Finally, with all other possibilities exhausted, the new Chancellor (the old one was, well, retired) decided to try General Badaxe.

General Hugh Badaxe was retired.  His claim to fame was that he had, with a small army, defeated an invading force without even fighting one battle.  He was recognized as one of the great geniuses of the kingdom, but no one knew if a military mind would be capable of solving this dilemma.

General Badaxe took the assignment.  He went to the monastery.  He stayed inside for about 30 minutes, came out, went home, and closed the door.  The Chancellor was in the dark.  What had happened?

The next day, the Franciscans were gone.  The economy swiftly recovered.

No one knows what Hugh Badaxe said on that fateful day.  But that little kingdom still has a saying:  Remember.  Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Those are my three fire jokes.  If this seems like an odd post, just look at the title.

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8 comments

  1. You need to lay off the Nyquil, man.


  2. You can’t see it, but I’m heckling.


  3. This is a lot more serious than the flu. Sounds like the HazMat team needs to be called.


  4. (GROAN) I really hope you get better soon!


  5. Bullet: No Nyquil. That stuff’s expensive.

    Poodles: If I don’t see it, it didn’t happen.

    Ric: No, no efluvient yet. Just aches, pains, fever, and jokes.

    Chappie: Thank you for the groan. It inspires me to tell more jokes.


  6. Since we’re in the mood for jokes, and since your site is of a religious nature (sorta), here’s one I read (and shall paraphrase, for I can’t seem to find the right page at present) in John Mark’s latest book, Reasons to Believe,

    Teen walks into a Young Life meeting and asks, “Is this seat saved?” The other teen replies, “Not yet. But it’s under heavy conviction.”

    [ducking]


  7. argh! But I am grinning.


  8. Susan: That was the point.



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