A Nancy Kerrigan Moment

24 February, 2008

Why me?  Why me?  Why?  Why?  It happened twice today.

Okay, I’m not all that good at whining, but still, why me?   The first time was at work.  A person came up to me and I said hello.  I glanced at the man’s T-shirt and then took a closer look because one of the faces on it looked familiar.  The lettering read “Life” on the left and “Death” on the right.  Under the word “Death” was Charles Darwin (looking quite serene, I might add).  On the other side, under “Life”, was Jesus on the cross, complete with nails, blood, gash in the abdominal wall, the works.

I hoped I could get through the conversation without things getting weird.  I was wrong.  After he gained the information he wanted about the site, he asked, “Have you been saved?”

I smiled, and said, “Sir, if I was off-duty and out of uniform, I would be happy to have this conversation with you.  Remember, as a federal officer, I represent ALL Americans, no matter what religion or faith, if any.”

 He turned to his son and said, “See, that’s why we gotta elect Huckabee,” and walked out.

On the way home, I had to stop and put some gas in my car and money into the pockets of American profiteers and foreign potentates.  As I struggled with the pump (and the icy spots on the ground), a large black woman approached me (I was still in uniform) and, without any preamble, asked, “Have you accepted the love of Jesus into your life as your personal saviour for your soul?” and began pulling papers out of her purse.

My wife taught me a wonderful response (for those times when I am not on duty).  She hasn’t had the chance to use it, but since she thought it up, I’ve been waiting.  “Yes, ma’am, I am an atheist, so my brain has been saved from delusions.”

Her jaw dropped.  Her eyelids fluttered.  She looked left.  She looked right.  She glanced back over her shoulder.  She began to say something and stopped. She tried again and stopped.  She said,  “Never mind,” in almost exactly the same voice that Emily LaTrella (Gilda Radner) used to use on Saturday Night Live.

If felt good to be able to use the one I had wanted to use earlier in the day.

So, atheospheric bloggers:  have any of you come up with a response to “Have you been saved?”

On another note, I’m not sure why I get asked so often.  My guess (of course, I can’t be sure) is that, because of my job, I tend to look people in the eye in a friendly manner (sort of welcoming questions).  Either that, or I REALLY look like I need to be saved.



  1. “Yes, ma’am, I am an atheist, so my brain has been saved from delusions.” Wonderful! Fabulous! Effective!

    How many times a day do you intentionally bang your head against your desk?

  2. Kelly: Not that often. I’ve so many piles of paperwork, graphics projects and computer equipment on my desk that, well, there’s not evough room to bang my head.

    Again, I cannot take credit for that comeback. My wife thought it up back in September and I had been waiting for the opportune moment.

  3. I don’t get asked in public, only by people who come knocking on the door, but of course I rarely leave the house. I would not be able to maintain a job like yours. No way.

    Every response to “Have you been saved?” I would say wouldn’t be happy.
    • If I say “yes”, will you go the fuck away?
    • I’d like to be saved from hearing any more of your shit
    • The question is will you be saved from my wrath if you keep up with that saved shit
    • Saved for just this moment to explain to you how you’re wasting your life with that crap

  4. We don’t get those here much, we get the mormom missionaries more. I always tell them they can come in as long as they don’t mind if I sacrifice small children in the back yard while they are here. They usually decline.

  5. They don’t come too often any more either.

  6. They don’t come to often any more. Line from a John Denver song: Hard Times.

    My wife asks: Does the fact that the Mormons give up and go away easily, is that what they are trained to do when confronted with human sacrifice? or that they give up too easily?

  7. I think I scare them. I’m pretty sure they realize that I’m not serious or I would probably have the cops show up shortly after, at least, I hope. I think they don’t have a “comeback” line for something like that. I know they have “trained comebacks” for other no’s but probably not that one. They are also very young and not very emotionally mature yet, I think that helps. I also think that a lot of them are doing a mission because it’s what their parents, friends and family have told them they HAVE to do so it isn’t something they really WANT to do, especially at that age.

  8. Oh and don’t let the picture that was on my blog fool you for even a moment, the fact that I can be a pissy bitch has been know to seep through my pores when needed. I have a presence that has moved irritating people to tears.

  9. On another note, I’m not sure why I get asked so often.

    Could it have something to do with the “Satan is my friend” tattoo?

    I’ve always wanted someone to ask me if I’ve found Jesus.

    “Why? Is he lost?”


    “Yes. He was behind the couch. But thanks for asking”

    (They’re not mine either,)

  10. SI: Believe it or not, I am not allowed to have any visible tattoos or piercings while in uniform. I can’t even where an earing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: