Traffic on I-81 was stop and go for a couple of miles this morning. I found myself following a tractor trailer. I don’t think the driver was very experienced. He kept riding the brakes, filling my car with the smell of burnt metal with a slight aftertaste of plastic. Add to that, I was stopped cold for about 3 minutes next to a three-day-old deer carcass.
Burnt metal. Burnt plastic. Decomposing flesh.
My stomach began to churn. I knew what was coming. And it didn’t even dawn on me until later what today is.
Three days after the terrorist attacks in New York City, I was sent down to the Javitz Center to provide security for the Southwest Incident Command Team. The team supported the search and rescue teams. I was there for three weeks.
I found myself inspecting trucks for bombs. Controlling access to a warehouse in which the supplies for the team, FEMA, and the S&R teams were received and stored.
I worked 16-hour days. My hotel was a few streets above Times Square (near the Stage Door Deli, if that helps). Most nights I was so stressed that I walked the 30-minutes up to my hotel rather than catch a ride in the van.
I was at Ground Zero about seven times. The smell is what sticks with me.
Burnt metal. Burnt plastic. Decomposing flesh.
As a student in high school, and a trumpet player, I found myself blowing taps during the Memorial Day celebrations and observances in Sharpsburg, Maryland, at the National Cemetery. Ground Zero gave me the same eerie feeling — too many deaths, too many youngsters killed, too much violence.
Burnt metal. Burnt plastic. Decomposing flesh.
Those smells trigger memories that I do not want. Memories of the towers coming down. Memories of wasted life. Memories of violence. Memories of blowing taps.
I know what comes next. Three or four nights of being afraid to go to sleep because I know that the nightmares will come. For a few nights, I can look forward to dreams about the attack. And I can look forward to waking up at three in the morning with that smell in my mind.
Burnt metal. Burnt plastic. Decomposing flesh.
I look at the violence done in the name of god(s) throughout history and despair. The inquisition. The conquistadors. The Thirty Years War. The Holocaust. India and Pakistan. Israel and Islam. The Sudan. Eritrea. Iraq. Iran. Afghanistan. Ireland.
Burnt metal. Burnt plastic. Decomposing flesh.
These are the smells of religion. These are the smells of god(s). These are the smells of violence done in the name of ideologies and theologies. These are, for me, the smell of despair.
And will I ever get the smell of despair out of my mind?