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You Can’t Make This Shit Up!

19 April, 2010

Apparently, God (or god, or gods) are angry.  He (she, it, whatever) is pissed that America passed a weak, half-assed, pathetic excuse for a health insurance reform bill (eh, it’s three steps forward, 2 1/2 steps back).  And to punish America, God/god/gods are punishing . . . Europe! 

Yes, you read that right. 

And how do we know?  God’s/god’s/gods’ own prophet Rush Limbaugh says so (transcript from truthwinsout):

You know, a couple of days after the health care bill had been signed into law Obama ran around all over the country saying, “Hey, you know, I’m looking around. The earth hadn’t opened up. There’s no Armageddon out there. The birds are still chirping.” I think the earth has opened up. God may have replied. This volcano in Iceland has grounded more airplanes — airspace has more affected — than even after 9/11 because of this plume, because of this ash cloud over Northern and Western Europe. At the Paris airport they’re telling people to head to the train station to catch trains out of France, and when people get to the train station they’re telling people, “There aren’t any seats until at least April 22nd,” basically a week from now. It’s got everybody in a shutdown. Earth has opened up. I don’t know whether it’s a rebirth or Armageddon. Hopefully it’s a rebirth, God speaking.

Damn.  I thought God/god/gods were busy finding the girl in Florida.  Can he/she/it multitask?

Besides, I thought it was always the fault of gays when there are earthquakes.  Or hurricanes.  Or terrorist attacks.

24 comments

  1. I thought it was always the fault of gays when there are earthquakes.

    Gays and black presidents. Oh, and godless secularists, who are clearly at the root of all the world’s evils.


    • Yeah, Larry, wasn’t it one of the Eastern Roman emperors who made sodomy a crime because it caused earth quakes?

      I consulted my gay cousin on the matter, and after some consideration he said that he was sure that on occasion, he’d “felt the earth move” but it was a localised, personal experience, not a recordable seismic event.

      He did, however, sigh and say with a certain wistfulness, “A guy can WISH, can’t he”?

      Ol’ Rush, he’s always good for a laugh. Just when you think that there isn’t anything more absurd that can possibly be uttered seriously from a person with an IQ of over 22, he can usually come up with something to make you either want to scratch your head in wonderment, or Glenn Beck in your pants laughing.

      I don’t laugh so much anymore, though.


  2. Little known fact: Chicxulub was home to numerous gay dinosaur night clubs.


  3. And here I thought god was angry about allowing another Jennifer Lopez movie. After Gigli, god destroyed the shuttle Columbia, gave us SARS, gave the US and Europe a record heat wave which killed 10,000 people and caused numerous other shit worldwide. When will Hollywood learn?


  4. When do we get to spike their water with Haldol?


  5. I think that people who blame other people for making god cause earthquakes are what causes god to cause earthquakes. Oh fuck, I better turn on the news, I think that I just made him cause another one.


  6. Larry: Basically, any ‘other’ will do.

    Sarge: Then again, if gay sex creates the earthquake, why are they so concerned? There are only a dozen or so earthquakes which are noticed by anyone other then seismologists. If it happens that rarely, why are they bothering?

    Desertscope: And the pronunciation sound a lot like ‘chicks who lube.’

    Buffy: Screw the Haldol. They need something lots, lots, lots stronger.

    Rev: Your circular logic implies circular logic which implies circular logic etc.


  7. My youngest son is stationed in Sicily and literally lives on the side of Mt. Etna. Tremors are a daily thing, and they have, on occasion, gone out at night to watch the stuff shooting up out of the top when it erupts. He and my daughter-in-law claim it’s better than any fireworks they’ve ever seen.

    I asked him and apparently there is no morality connected with it’s doings, even in catholic Italy.

    About five minutes ago, broad daylight, I heard an owl hooting.
    I have heard it said both in Wales and Virginia, that an owl hooting in the daylight means a virgin is being de-flowered.
    Here where I live I find that hard to believe. No sign of any women ANYWHERE here, this morning.


  8. Sarge:
    Obviously, in both Wales and Virginia, they don’t have barred owls, which call any time they give a hoot — or hoot any time they get the call.

    The barred owl’s main call has been “translated” as “Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you all?” Not a bad question, at least to me, whose preferred response is likely to be, “the chef at a fancy restaurant.”


    • Actually, in Virginia they do have barred owles. We have them here in central Pennsylvania as well, but this bunch that was fussing were screech owls, and they are in my garage.

      They were somewhat distressed and annoyed because a barn owl is also in there for some reason. They don’t seem to care for each other even a little.


  9. Sarge: Not even your commander wife?

    Larry: I thought of you this evening. (((Boy))) picked up some fried chicken strips at KFC. I stir fried peppers, onions and broccoli, added a homemade General Tso’s sauce, chopped up the chicken, and had a really good meal. Far better than I had any right to expect.


  10. (((Billy))):
    If you were really thinking of me, you would have had Entenmann’s Chocolate Donuts for dinner.


  11. Larry: I’ve never tried stir frying donuts. And I probably never will.


  12. (((Billy))), go ahead and stick with “commander”, I don’t deny it. ;-)

    We renewed our vows at the Gettysburg reenactment three summers ago, and our band played for it.
    For a recessional I selected “Maire’s Wedding” and it was really a neat number to do.

    First choice, though, was “I’ll Be a Sergeant”. Complication: second verse, to wit, “She shan’t be ‘captain’, that will never happen, she shan’t be ‘captain’, but play the second fife…”

    My wife knows the piece, so I’m sure there would have been, well, complications from such a decision. Besides, the band wouldn’t have been able to play it they would have been laughing so much at such an erronious concept.

    I Guess St. Paul would be “a-Pauled” at our relationship!


  13. Gawd’s ways are ineffable; the only thing one can count on is that it always has terrible aim. Imagine aiming at the USA and hitting Europe!

    Gawd must have been watching over me because I was on one of the last planes to leave Rome before the airport shut down. On the other hand, getting stranded in Italy for a few more days wouldn’t have been so bad, so maybe Gawd punished me by sending me home on time. Ineffable.


  14. LOL, and LOL, and LOL.

    The gay comment is my favourite.


  15. Chappie: Well, after about 14 billion years of doing nothing, He is out of practice. And probably pretty near blind.

    Lorena: Funny, but also scary. I know people who think that is a rational explanation.


  16. My gay cuz told me that it was very, well, EMPOWERING to be able to do such things because of their sexual preference. Just think! Maybe they could could learn to harness that volcano, and put paid to such as Robertson and others. And have fun doing it!

    I told him that such powers should be handled in a very responsible manner… but hey, it was none of MY business…”anyway, it’s your fumerol.”

    His partner said something about calling a meeting and getting a resolution to take me to the nearest caldera and throw me down for humor like mine. They told me to watch “Temple of Doom” and take it to heart.

    The PENDOT geologist in town told me that when he was in school one of his classmates was a young woman who rejoiced in the name “Florence”. She was known for a rather volatile and uncertain temper.
    They got to a section on vulcanology, and she came away with the nickname, “Pyroclastic Flo”.

    She did NOT rejoice in the nickname.


  17. THE BOOBQUAKE – 911!

    hey, atheists don’t even BELIEVE IN BOOBIES!!!

    they thought BOOBIES had no effect… WRONG!

    see, I just want to make it clear to the rest of you:

    jen is unable to see that there is a CONFLICT BETWEEN EROS & SCIENCE….

    ________________

    http://www.blaghag.com/2010/04/in-name-of-science-i-offer-my-boobs.html

    ETA: follow-up

    http://www.blaghag.com/2010/04/quick-clarification-about-boobquake.html

    see how we take a term and convert it into its AUTHENTIC POLITICAL DIMENSION – THAT OF LIBERATION – not just merely harmless expression…

    they thought BOOBIES had no effect… WRONG!
    ____________

    Visit for the BOOBQUAKE:

    http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm


    • (((Billy)))! Pay attention! Youse gots spammers at 12 o’clock!


      • But I feel so honored: I got a dmabus. Wow.


  18. But I feel so honored: I got a dmabus. Wow

    …pronounced “DUMB-ASS”.



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